Wednesday, May 20, 2020
I remember that Auriana was in one of my classes for a few weeks back in our freshman year. She was the same year as me. I remember thinking her name was absolutely beautiful. Another year later, I'd said hi to her in the halls a few times, but this time we talked and had a conversation. I asked her why she always kept her head down in the halls. I wasn't sure why I asked. Maybe I wanted to help her. Maybe I was just curious. She told me it was because she just got a lot of anxiety from walking with so many people around her. It made her uncomfortable because she felt like everyone's eyes were on her and she hated it. And it was strange to me. The very thing she tried to do to blend in made her stand out, at least to me. I always saw her in the hallway on my way to the upstairs South hall. She was different and unique. She tried to be like everyone else because she'd never felt comfortable being herself. I'm so, so sorry I didn't do more to act on that realization. When I talked to her, I did it because I wanted her to know she wasn't invisible, and that I saw her. But I wasn't looking at her with the right eyes. She was different, but that scared her. She thought that being herself might make people look at her and judge her negatively. I don't know anything about her past or her personal life. I wish I had. I was pulled out of that school about a month prior to her suicide. I just wish I hadn't only tried to show her that I SAW her. I wish I'd tried to show her that I wanted to KNOW her. There are so many people who think back and wonder if they could have made a difference, and I am one of those people. I truly believe that I could have. Based on the few moments I got to really have a conversation with her, I could tell that she loved to smile. She wasn't given many reasons to, not at school, but when she smiled, you could tell it was all she wanted to do. She just wanted to be seen and to be known. And it's hard to be seen and known when people tell you that you can't be seen or known unless you follow a certain status quo.
